I’m a little lost

I just had a talk with my best friend today. She figured out my vague tweets about me feeling bad about my sister’s big opportunity in school to travel the world through a cruise. We talked…

I feel stuck and I feel useless sometimes. Most of the time really. I hate the person who made a term for this feeling. Inferiority complex? Adler’s birth order thingamabob? Sigh. Whatever it’s called, it sucks my happiness right out of me and makes me feel at my lowest. Every. Single. Time 😦

I hate being the youngest in the family. I always feel the need to reach my parents’ expectations of me, which are markedly high thanks to my overachiever perfect older sisters. Oh dear Lord please help me overcome these heavy emotions. I’m too weak on my own, too stupid to think for myself. All my life, I’ve been following the footsteps of those above me. My family. I have never made a name for myself. Even in elementary and high school days, maybe I just “achieved” more because of the influence that my sisters gave. I was known as one of the *insert family name* girls who were the daughters of the “best and famous” doctors (of course my parents had something to do with it!) While it was good, it was something questionable on my part. Were the things I achieved really meant for me? Did I really deserve all the recognition? Or was it because of the family name I carry?

I wish I had lived my life differently from the time I learned how to read. I could’ve read more books, written more stories, learned to speak well and all. Maybe if I did all those, I would’ve been more confident with myself because then I’d actually have real talent to show. My sisters are all effortlessly good at writing while I’m here busting my a** off trying to sound smart with words. I was not, will not, and will never be at par with them. And it hurts me every time I think about how different I am from my sisters. I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck. 😥

But hey, on a good note… I’m blessed with a family. At least the struggles I have are because of my own negative thoughts that I can change for my own sake (and everyone else’s, for that matter). All I have to do is figure out how. It’ll take time, probably years even, for me to realize the good in all these. What I have now, I should be THANKFUL. I should start thanking heavens for best friends! I’m really glad that I saw mine today. I literally poured my heart out and cried to her even out at a mall! Something I can never do with any other friend. A few minutes with her made me feel so much better knowing that I had someone who truly genuinely cares about me. Thank you God for giving me someone to hear me at the right moment – A 🙂

Hurt and hated

He was saying so much. Everything was unclear. It was all just too difficult. This time last year, things were so different. He was tired, I was tired. We were this close, too close, to just…. giving up. I hated him, he hated me.

Getting ahead of myself. Let’s give him a name. Evan. Sounds close enough. See, Evan and I had the best relationship. Perfect, really! I loved every minute I spent with him on our first year and a half together. Oops sorry, I know this isn’t really how I wanted to introduce my favorite guy in the world (next to my Daddy, fosho) since this post will turn up really bad in the middle. Literally and figuratively.

We started out great until circumstances and differences chose to change the both of us. We were running out of time. We both wanted different things from each other that we can never provide. I was beginning to think it’d be some sort of an away-bati relationship, but I promised to myself that will never happen to my first boy I will ever truly love (Evan is my first boyfriend). All the other people were telling me, mag-aaway at mag-aaway kayong dalawa. It’s part of any relationship anyway. I forced myself to think otherwise. I was determined to have the happiest little perfect love story. But well, you can’t have this storybook ending for every romantic story. You know very well how it goes. We fight, we get jealous, we cry. For weeks, we have both been hurting. And everyday I pray for more patience and wisdom to go through with it each time we fight.

Those girls ruined our relationship. It was perfect until they came along. And it sucks that there are just too many stories to tell I’d rather not tell any at all. At least not tonight.

I kept on crying throughout our whole conversation. First you have to know that I am really sensitive, I get angry and I cry easily. It wouldn’t surprise people I know when they see me cry down any street. My eyes were endemic to tears. I was sick with the case of extreme poles of emotions.

In the middle of our call, it came to a point where he was slurring and eating his words, either fighting to stay awake or was just having a mere after effect of eating a few evil-baked brownies. It was possible. But I’d like to believe that whatever things he said, it was still his honest feelings.

I have been crying every night over the phone for a week straight now. It’s embarrassing and depressing. I just really pray and hope that this time around,  things will really start to look up. I want him to be as happy as before, even if it means me giving more. I love this guy a little too much, I guess. It’s crazy 🙂

Lord, teach me to love like you do.