Perfect story no more

No matter how much I said, how much I  cried and pleaded, he says “not now”. That says a lot about this relationship. I guess I’m just going to have to wait and see. Or just keep it secret till after all the school work and group projects together.

Haay. This isn’t how i wanted my perfect love story to end..

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This is the saddest I’ve ever been my whoole life.. And I’m hurt because it’s because of you 😦

I’m trying to be okay with things. But I can’t because I don’t know where this is going anymore. Everyday I find myself crying out of nowhere. Everyday I find myself alone even though I’m with people.

Break up? Of course I would think of saying that. I was angry at you. I was vulnerable to saying anything. I was upset. I was hurt.

Who am I to ask things from you? We’re not together. Not anymore. Hahahaha ang tanga mo talaga, A

Haay.

I want a real hug from you.

I don’t know how I’m getting by each day.

You just don’t understand how bad I feel about things, about me, about us.

I hurt so bad I can’t talk to anyone about it. I hurt so bad the first thing I do every day after ojt the past few days is lock myself in my room and cry. I hurt so bad I just want to end things with you just so I can have peace, but I can never do that. So I struggle to look okay, be okay. But I can’t. Because you’re never around. You say you are, but you’re not anymore.

Di mo alam na ikaw lagi iniisip ko, pero lagi akong naiiyak at nalulungkot pag ginagawa ko yun. Gusto ko lang naman na magpakita ka sakin ulit kung mahal mo pa talaga ako. Kasi ang hirap na paniwalaan e 😥

Lagi kong sinasabi na ayoko na ayoko na. Pero mas di ko kaya pag ginawa ko yun. Ang sakit sakit.

I feel like you’re falling out that’s why you’ve stopped trying.

But I’m not giving up just yet. I know we can still patch things up the way it should be.

Please, please. Stop giving me reasons to cry. Make me happy again. Make me feel like I’m still loved by you. I put my whole faith and trust in you, please don’t take me for granted. Appreciate me when I do things for you, cuddle me for no reason, hold me tight when I need you, miss me when you do…

Surprise me, love.

Time Off

I’m sad. I’m heartbroken. “I think we need to take some time off” kept repeating in my head my brain’s gone insane. I’m pretty sure I have every right and reason to be upset towards him… And the world. Gah the dead silence is deafening.

It’s back to square one for us. I’m nobody’s someone again. He says it’s not like we’re breaking up, but it sure as hell sounds leading up to it. He says it’s going to be good for us, it’s not.

It’s all just a deja vu for me. It was just like with this other someone before. We tried, but we eventually died out of it. I’m scared for us. Everything will be just so different after this. He broke my heart way too many times already. What do I do?

Tired Heart Things

I’m this way because you don’t make me feel special anymore. I’m this way because you still do things, things that I always tell you not to do, things that bother me everyday. You blame my lifestyle for how I behave! You blame our differences for how we never set things straight! You always see me as the bad person who wants everything for herself to go her way. I hate that you’re always with them. And that you tell me I’m selfish for keeping you away from them. I hate it. I hate you for it.

I need someone who can love every little thing about me. I hope, only for you, that you learn to. It wasn’t like this before! I know you were a lot happier, you told me that full well. You feel restricted, you feel like I’m changing you, you feel like you’re losing your identity. And what do you tell me? You need “some time to figure things for us”? What does that do to our relationship?

Staying away from each other to figure things is a lot like running away from our problems.

We’re better than this.

I just know it.

I’m a little lost

I just had a talk with my best friend today. She figured out my vague tweets about me feeling bad about my sister’s big opportunity in school to travel the world through a cruise. We talked…

I feel stuck and I feel useless sometimes. Most of the time really. I hate the person who made a term for this feeling. Inferiority complex? Adler’s birth order thingamabob? Sigh. Whatever it’s called, it sucks my happiness right out of me and makes me feel at my lowest. Every. Single. Time 😦

I hate being the youngest in the family. I always feel the need to reach my parents’ expectations of me, which are markedly high thanks to my overachiever perfect older sisters. Oh dear Lord please help me overcome these heavy emotions. I’m too weak on my own, too stupid to think for myself. All my life, I’ve been following the footsteps of those above me. My family. I have never made a name for myself. Even in elementary and high school days, maybe I just “achieved” more because of the influence that my sisters gave. I was known as one of the *insert family name* girls who were the daughters of the “best and famous” doctors (of course my parents had something to do with it!) While it was good, it was something questionable on my part. Were the things I achieved really meant for me? Did I really deserve all the recognition? Or was it because of the family name I carry?

I wish I had lived my life differently from the time I learned how to read. I could’ve read more books, written more stories, learned to speak well and all. Maybe if I did all those, I would’ve been more confident with myself because then I’d actually have real talent to show. My sisters are all effortlessly good at writing while I’m here busting my a** off trying to sound smart with words. I was not, will not, and will never be at par with them. And it hurts me every time I think about how different I am from my sisters. I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck. 😥

But hey, on a good note… I’m blessed with a family. At least the struggles I have are because of my own negative thoughts that I can change for my own sake (and everyone else’s, for that matter). All I have to do is figure out how. It’ll take time, probably years even, for me to realize the good in all these. What I have now, I should be THANKFUL. I should start thanking heavens for best friends! I’m really glad that I saw mine today. I literally poured my heart out and cried to her even out at a mall! Something I can never do with any other friend. A few minutes with her made me feel so much better knowing that I had someone who truly genuinely cares about me. Thank you God for giving me someone to hear me at the right moment – A 🙂

First something: My secret keeper

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SOMETHING NEW! I love this picture I got from Alex Shye’s blog site. (Hi I don’t know you, but thank you for the picture!)

I only started this blog because I’m really tired of keeping secrets and feelings kept or otherwise social media-publicized for the whole world to see. I was never really good at keeping things to myself, I always had someone I can share it to– a friend, a sister, a brother, a boyfriend, whoever’s first on my trust list, I shared with. This blog is just really a lot of useless somethings (a secret blogthing, and I’m not planning to unprivate it anytime soon). This blog is, well, Awkward-inspired, you can say that! Anything and everything about things I think of, when I have the time to do so, or when I feel like it. Whatever little evers, unreal and stupid somethings I’d make up, I’d write. But most of the time, I’d show actual highlights, bits, and snippets of my life. It’s my secret keeper! They say writing can be therapeutic and gives you that cathartic experience that other sites can’t ever do for me. That’s why I hate those sites, sometimes. I feel like being judged and judgmental at the same time. It’s ironic… and unhealthy. Thank God for avenues like this worldwideweb paper I’m writing on right now. I’m not promising to keep this up and write every time (I’m saying it so I’d have a chance to prove myself wrong and actually DO keep it up and write every time… except maybe now that I actually wrote my real reason right after. Stupid. Oh well.) Cheers to new somethings! –A 🙂