Perfect story no more

No matter how much I said, how much IĀ  cried and pleaded, he says “not now”. That says a lot about this relationship. I guess I’m just going to have to wait and see. Or just keep it secret till after all the school work and group projects together.

Haay. This isn’t how i wanted my perfect love story to end..

This is the saddest I’ve ever been my whoole life.. And I’m hurt because it’s because of you šŸ˜¦

I’m trying to be okay with things. But I can’t because I don’t know where this is going anymore. Everyday I find myself crying out of nowhere. Everyday I find myself alone even though I’m with people.

Break up? Of course I would think of saying that. I was angry at you. I was vulnerable to saying anything. I was upset. I was hurt.

Who am I to ask things from you? We’re not together. Not anymore. Hahahaha ang tanga mo talaga, A

Haay.

I want a real hug from you.

I don’t know how I’m getting by each day.

You just don’t understand how bad I feel about things, about me, about us.

I hurt so bad I can’t talk to anyone about it. I hurt so bad the first thing I do every day after ojt the past few days is lock myself in my room and cry. I hurt so bad I just want to end things with you just so I can have peace, but I can never do that. So I struggle to look okay, be okay. But I can’t. Because you’re never around. You say you are, but you’re not anymore.

Di mo alam na ikaw lagi iniisip ko, pero lagi akong naiiyak at nalulungkot pag ginagawa ko yun. Gusto ko lang naman na magpakita ka sakin ulit kung mahal mo pa talaga ako. Kasi ang hirap na paniwalaan e šŸ˜„

Lagi kong sinasabi na ayoko na ayoko na. Pero mas di ko kaya pag ginawa ko yun. Ang sakit sakit.

I feel like you’re falling out that’s why you’ve stopped trying.

But I’m not giving up just yet. I know we can still patch things up the way it should be.

Please, please. Stop giving me reasons to cry. Make me happy again. Make me feel like I’m still loved by you. I put my whole faith and trust in you, please don’t take me for granted. Appreciate me when I do things for you, cuddle me for no reason, hold me tight when I need you, miss me when you do…

Surprise me, love.

Time Off

I’m sad. I’m heartbroken. “I think we need to take some time off” kept repeating in my head my brain’s gone insane. I’m pretty sure I have every right and reason to be upset towards him… And the world. Gah the dead silence is deafening.

It’s back to square one for us. I’m nobody’s someone again. He says it’s not like we’re breaking up, but it sure as hell sounds leading up to it. He says it’s going to be good for us, it’s not.

It’s all just a deja vu for me. It was just like with this other someone before. We tried, but we eventually died out of it. I’m scared for us. Everything will be just so different after this. He broke my heart way too many times already. What do I do?

Tired Heart Things

I’m this way because you don’t make me feel special anymore. I’m this way because you still do things, things that I always tell you not to do, things that bother me everyday. You blame my lifestyle for how I behave! You blame our differences for how we never set things straight! You always see me as the bad person who wants everything for herself to go her way. I hate that you’re always with them. And that you tell me I’m selfish for keeping you away from them. I hate it. I hate you for it.

I need someone who can love every little thing about me. I hope, only for you, that you learn to. It wasn’t like this before! I know you were a lot happier, you told me that full well. You feel restricted, you feel like I’m changing you, you feel like you’re losing your identity. And what do you tell me? You need “some time to figure things for us”? What does that do to our relationship?

Staying away from each other to figure things is a lot like running away from our problems.

We’re better than this.

I just know it.

Hurt and hated

He was saying so much. Everything was unclear. It was all just too difficult. This time last year, things were so different. He was tired, I was tired. We were this close, too close, to just…. giving up. I hated him, he hated me.

Getting ahead of myself. Let’s give him a name. Evan. Sounds close enough. See, Evan and I had the best relationship. Perfect, really! I loved every minute I spent with him on our first year and a half together. Oops sorry, I know this isn’t really how I wanted to introduce my favorite guy in the world (next to my Daddy, fosho) since this post will turn up really bad in the middle. Literally and figuratively.

We started out great until circumstances and differences chose to change the both of us. We were running out of time. We both wanted different things from each other that we can never provide. I was beginning to think it’d be some sort of an away-bati relationship, but I promised to myself that will never happen to my first boy I will ever truly love (Evan is my first boyfriend). All the other people were telling me, mag-aaway at mag-aaway kayong dalawa. It’s part of any relationship anyway. I forced myself to think otherwise. I was determined to have the happiest little perfect love story. But well, you can’t have this storybook ending for every romantic story. You know very well how it goes. We fight, we get jealous, we cry. For weeks, we have both been hurting. And everyday I pray for more patience and wisdom to go through with it each time we fight.

Those girls ruined our relationship. It was perfect until they came along. And it sucks that there are just too many stories to tell I’d rather not tell any at all. At least not tonight.

I kept on crying throughout our whole conversation. First you have to know that I am really sensitive, I get angry and I cry easily. It wouldn’t surprise people I know when they see me cry down any street. My eyes were endemic to tears. I was sick with the case of extreme poles of emotions.

In the middle of our call, it came to a point where he was slurring and eating his words, either fighting to stay awake or was just having a mere after effect of eating a few evil-baked brownies. It was possible. But I’d like to believe that whatever things he said, it was still his honest feelings.

I have been crying every night over the phone for a week straight now. It’s embarrassing and depressing. I just really pray and hope that this time around,Ā  things will really start to look up. I want him to be as happy as before, even if it means me giving more. I love this guy a little too much, I guess. It’s crazy šŸ™‚

Lord, teach me to love like you do.