I just had a talk with my best friend today. She figured out my vague tweets about me feeling bad about my sister’s big opportunity in school to travel the world through a cruise. We talked…
I feel stuck and I feel useless sometimes. Most of the time really. I hate the person who made a term for this feeling. Inferiority complex? Adler’s birth order thingamabob? Sigh. Whatever it’s called, it sucks my happiness right out of me and makes me feel at my lowest. Every. Single. Time 😦
I hate being the youngest in the family. I always feel the need to reach my parents’ expectations of me, which are markedly high thanks to my overachiever perfect older sisters. Oh dear Lord please help me overcome these heavy emotions. I’m too weak on my own, too stupid to think for myself. All my life, I’ve been following the footsteps of those above me. My family. I have never made a name for myself. Even in elementary and high school days, maybe I just “achieved” more because of the influence that my sisters gave. I was known as one of the *insert family name* girls who were the daughters of the “best and famous” doctors (of course my parents had something to do with it!) While it was good, it was something questionable on my part. Were the things I achieved really meant for me? Did I really deserve all the recognition? Or was it because of the family name I carry?
I wish I had lived my life differently from the time I learned how to read. I could’ve read more books, written more stories, learned to speak well and all. Maybe if I did all those, I would’ve been more confident with myself because then I’d actually have real talent to show. My sisters are all effortlessly good at writing while I’m here busting my a** off trying to sound smart with words. I was not, will not, and will never be at par with them. And it hurts me every time I think about how different I am from my sisters. I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck. 😥
But hey, on a good note… I’m blessed with a family. At least the struggles I have are because of my own negative thoughts that I can change for my own sake (and everyone else’s, for that matter). All I have to do is figure out how. It’ll take time, probably years even, for me to realize the good in all these. What I have now, I should be THANKFUL. I should start thanking heavens for best friends! I’m really glad that I saw mine today. I literally poured my heart out and cried to her even out at a mall! Something I can never do with any other friend. A few minutes with her made me feel so much better knowing that I had someone who truly genuinely cares about me. Thank you God for giving me someone to hear me at the right moment – A 🙂