Perfect story no more

No matter how much I said, how much I  cried and pleaded, he says “not now”. That says a lot about this relationship. I guess I’m just going to have to wait and see. Or just keep it secret till after all the school work and group projects together.

Haay. This isn’t how i wanted my perfect love story to end..

Time Off

I’m sad. I’m heartbroken. “I think we need to take some time off” kept repeating in my head my brain’s gone insane. I’m pretty sure I have every right and reason to be upset towards him… And the world. Gah the dead silence is deafening.

It’s back to square one for us. I’m nobody’s someone again. He says it’s not like we’re breaking up, but it sure as hell sounds leading up to it. He says it’s going to be good for us, it’s not.

It’s all just a deja vu for me. It was just like with this other someone before. We tried, but we eventually died out of it. I’m scared for us. Everything will be just so different after this. He broke my heart way too many times already. What do I do?

Tired Heart Things

I’m this way because you don’t make me feel special anymore. I’m this way because you still do things, things that I always tell you not to do, things that bother me everyday. You blame my lifestyle for how I behave! You blame our differences for how we never set things straight! You always see me as the bad person who wants everything for herself to go her way. I hate that you’re always with them. And that you tell me I’m selfish for keeping you away from them. I hate it. I hate you for it.

I need someone who can love every little thing about me. I hope, only for you, that you learn to. It wasn’t like this before! I know you were a lot happier, you told me that full well. You feel restricted, you feel like I’m changing you, you feel like you’re losing your identity. And what do you tell me? You need “some time to figure things for us”? What does that do to our relationship?

Staying away from each other to figure things is a lot like running away from our problems.

We’re better than this.

I just know it.

Hurt and hated

He was saying so much. Everything was unclear. It was all just too difficult. This time last year, things were so different. He was tired, I was tired. We were this close, too close, to just…. giving up. I hated him, he hated me.

Getting ahead of myself. Let’s give him a name. Evan. Sounds close enough. See, Evan and I had the best relationship. Perfect, really! I loved every minute I spent with him on our first year and a half together. Oops sorry, I know this isn’t really how I wanted to introduce my favorite guy in the world (next to my Daddy, fosho) since this post will turn up really bad in the middle. Literally and figuratively.

We started out great until circumstances and differences chose to change the both of us. We were running out of time. We both wanted different things from each other that we can never provide. I was beginning to think it’d be some sort of an away-bati relationship, but I promised to myself that will never happen to my first boy I will ever truly love (Evan is my first boyfriend). All the other people were telling me, mag-aaway at mag-aaway kayong dalawa. It’s part of any relationship anyway. I forced myself to think otherwise. I was determined to have the happiest little perfect love story. But well, you can’t have this storybook ending for every romantic story. You know very well how it goes. We fight, we get jealous, we cry. For weeks, we have both been hurting. And everyday I pray for more patience and wisdom to go through with it each time we fight.

Those girls ruined our relationship. It was perfect until they came along. And it sucks that there are just too many stories to tell I’d rather not tell any at all. At least not tonight.

I kept on crying throughout our whole conversation. First you have to know that I am really sensitive, I get angry and I cry easily. It wouldn’t surprise people I know when they see me cry down any street. My eyes were endemic to tears. I was sick with the case of extreme poles of emotions.

In the middle of our call, it came to a point where he was slurring and eating his words, either fighting to stay awake or was just having a mere after effect of eating a few evil-baked brownies. It was possible. But I’d like to believe that whatever things he said, it was still his honest feelings.

I have been crying every night over the phone for a week straight now. It’s embarrassing and depressing. I just really pray and hope that this time around,  things will really start to look up. I want him to be as happy as before, even if it means me giving more. I love this guy a little too much, I guess. It’s crazy 🙂

Lord, teach me to love like you do.